In almost all cases, that's true. I know nothing about my newspaper carrier, so if I give him something, it will be the thought that counts. Many host/hostess gifts fall into that category as well.
The only time when the expression may not apply is when the thought is coming from someone who should know you better than anyone else in the world.
I have a friend who says that she and her late husband never exchanged holiday or special occasion gifts once the children (and then grandchildren) came. While that's sad in many ways, they also managed to avoid the headache of "what am I going to get him/her" as the years went by. The problem is, once you reach a certain age and level of disposable income, you buy what you want or need yourself.
Gift giving then becomes this mind-bending exercise of determining what your other half doesn't know that s/he wants.
The advertising debacle that turned Peloton into the butt of all jokes over the past holiday season made it crystal clear that gift giving between partners is rife with potential landmines. If my other half decided to spend close to three thousand dollars on a gift for me, I wouldn't be so much impressed as annoyed... because we both would have played a role in earning those three thousand dollars and it wouldn't be right for one party to use it to make a big splashy gesture.
In the same vein, I was extremely offended when a brother-in-law suggested to my husband that he "should have bought [me] a Lexus" when we last purchased a new vehicle for my use. Had I been there when he made that chauvinistic suggestion, I would have told him that I don't need a man to buy me an effing car of any kind... not to mention that it looked like half the people in the city had bought the new Lexus.
After that bit of venting, you might be wondering, what is today's post really about? ;-)
A couple of years ago, I confronted my other half about his "thoughtful" gifting. He had fallen into a habit of buying me clothing, usually in black/white, mirroring styles that I already possessed. I flat out told him that I didn't need more black and white print draped neckline tops (he had given me three). The thing was, it had gotten too easy for him to go to the mall at the last minute and grab some clothes at Christmas or birthday time.
I asked him to consider what I had given him as gifts over the years and said that if he really wanted to keep up this tradition of exchanging gifts, I want to see more thought in the results.
To his credit, he took it to heart, and I have received not a stitch of clothing since. Speaking of stitch, however — this is a sewing blog, right? — here is one of his gifts from this past Christmas:
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| A more "thoughtful" gift from hubby... |
Let me tell you, I love the thought. Finally, (after how many years of me having this hobby?) he acknowledged my interest in sewing and got me something in line with that interest.
It absolutely does not matter that the item turned out to be so much less than what he imagined it would be... cheaply made with a stipulation not to exceed use for twenty seconds at a time or some such nonsense.
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| Unfortunately, this thing is cheaply made... |
There are so many variants of this animal, some likely more durable than others. I'm sure that if I didn't have a full-fledged sewing machine sitting open all of the time, I might have a use for something like this.
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| ... and uses just a single thread... |
Unfortunately, after doing some research online and seeing how trying it might be just to thread the thing — mine came already threaded, leading me to believe that maybe it had been returned by someone — I knew it wasn't something that I would keep for that just in case I'm away from my sewing machine and need to stitch something in an hurry reason.
I'd probably have to look up how to use it every time I took it out.
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| ... to sew a chain stitch... |
So yes, I truly, truly appreciated the thought... because it was thoughtful and on the right track. That said, it was returned to our local Showcase store shortly after the new year. ;-)
But what have we here?
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| A "perfecto" thought... |
This is a Perfecto branded threader; another gift from hubby this Christmas. Another thought that was running in the right direction.
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| Slightly unclear instructions for use... |
I have to admit that the graphics on the back did not lead me to knowing how to use this, but a quick visit to YouTube demonstrated the technique perfectly... or perfettamente.
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| See the "boot"? |
The Perfecto has been added to my "downstairs" sewing kit. (The one that I've had since before I took up sewing again.) It doesn't always work on the first try, but it eventually does the job. Perfect for when my sewing glasses are upstairs, which is usually the case.
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| Hmmm... is this racist or just unnecessarily disparaging? |
This warning on the package (under the item) is both questionable and amusing. If it doesn't work, it's the needle's fault. Is that how Italians think??
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| Can thread three different types of needles... |
I'm particularly impressed that this threader will work with embroidery floss as well. I haven't taken up needlework again (I used to dabble in it) but if the mood strikes, it'll be good to know that any threading challenges will be met.
So there you have it: my own story about how I convinced my husband to ensure his thoughts truly count! (And just for the record, he also got me two other Christmas gifts that were right on the mark, but they have nothing to do with sewing.)
Are any of you in similar straits? Does your other half usually hit the bullseye with gifts... or is the effort totally missing the board?
I think hubby had only given me about 3 gifts ever, and one was when we we dating. He told me right from the beginning he doesn't give gifts and wants no gifts for birthday or holidays. He told me to buy what I want if I wanted something because he had no clue and wasn't a gift giver anyhow. That worked for me. We have never really exchanged gifts, except the first year we we were married. We will be celebrating 40 years of marriage this August and I will only receive a vocal "Happy Anniversary". I have gotten used to no gifts over the years and I am actually glad that I don't have to come up with something for him. When he wants something that I can make, he asks for it and it doesn't have to be for any occasion. If he wants to treat me to something he does it and doesn't need any special occasion day to do it. I think it's better that way and truly comes from the heart. As we age, we don't need more stuff in our lives, especially thoughtful but unneeded stuff. I asked my family and friends last year to stop our gift exchanges because I just don't need more. One was so glad because she never knew what to give and she was the one who always wanted to do the gifts exchanges, so I did for her mainly. It was a nice relief not to have to give or receive stuff anymore. I can buy what I want and need anytime.
ReplyDeleteOy vey, what a subject! I'll be checking to see other responses.
ReplyDeleteWhen asked,I gave my lovely DIL a Christmas list last year and asked that they "choose one thing and surprise me". (I really never get surprises any more.) She got every. thing. I was embarrassed & mortified. This year I paired the list way down and she even surprised me with a few of her own thoughtful gifts. Yea!
It really is a minefield. I'm sure there's a book genre on the psychology of gifting.
So. Does your SIL drive a Lexus?
No, I don't believe that particular SIL drives a Lexus, unless her "generous and thoughtful" mate has upgraded her wheels in the past year and a half. (You can tell how close we are... LOL!)
DeleteYou're lucky you can come up with a list of things you might want; most times, I wouldn't be able to answer that question. I've often thought that it would be most efficient if we each bought ourselves something, wrapped it up, and then have the other person open it. That way, the gift itself would always be spot on and the surprise would be, "Oh, I got you this?"
Do you think that idea might catch on??
Hi again Rochelle,
DeleteI DO like your idea, and it should catch on, if only for reasons of sustainability! For me it's the angst/frustration of gifts that just won't be used unless you (can) give them away. I'm a bit too 'thrifty' to be comfortable with the waste.
My husband was sick for many years (a decade) and my son gifted me home improvements/ help. Priceless. He gifted and installed grab bars, closet shelves, a curved shower curtain rod - the list goes on. (And that doesn't include snow removal on pathways and vehicles, etc.) He's a keeper (and you CAN train people to be thoughtful)! My husband is a very generous man and my son learned from the best!
Reading TerriSue's comment I will have to be sure to tell him while I'm able to.
Yes, people can be trained to be thoughtful. It's very sad when you see missed opportunities and the family angst that develops as a result. By all means, make it a habit to express your love and gratitude to those special people in your life.
DeleteThat being said, life's disagreements are many and varied and I've read that bad feelings over things as simple as gift giving between spouses can lead to long term stress and resentment. Better to talk it out.... or adopt my suggestion. ;-)
In the early years, my DH would buy me a Christmas gift. They weren't bad. But that didn't last long. Like another commenter, he never wants a gift for any occasion, and it's a good thing because he would be very hard to buy for. He gets a lot of socks! But you better make sure they are the kind he wears! He always gives money for Christmas. Puts it in the Christmas stockings. That works for me; I get what I want when I need or want it. He takes me to dinner on my birthday. That's my gift. For his birthday, I make a meal he likes, and whatever his favorite cake or dessert might be at the time. We used to go for an overnight stay at a hotel, for our anniversary. Package deal. Dinner, one night's stay, breakfast buffet in the morning. Never left the building. Funny thing is, that used to be fun because we could watch cable TV! That was the highlight because we didn't have it at home. Now we do, and guess what? We don't do anything now for our anniversary!
ReplyDeleteOops, forgot to sign the above.
ReplyDeleteKathleen -- kakingsbury at verizon dot net
My husband wasn't the greatest at giving gifts either. One year for Christmas I got one CD while he bought himself two for himself at the same store. Notice though that I say wasn't. He died unexpectedly one year ago this week. Right now I would take any bad or sloppily bought gift from him if I only had him. I would take back all the times I criticized him for not giving any thought to his gifts while I spent months thinking about his. I would do just about anything just to have one more evening to spend with him to tell him how much I love him and that I don't care about gifts but only about him. That is what I would do if I could.
ReplyDelete